Friday, September 9, 2011

be still my life

I know the saying goes 'be still my heart' but I have to tell you......
my heart is fine. My heart is being tenderly looked after by the Mr.
(I do want it to keep beating after this mornings run with Adelin if I can get enough oxygen to it, but thats a story for later).
How can you not be utterly in love with a man who awakens and starts his day with you, then begins the dishes before you arrive at the sink? These are very new developments in my day. There are a lot of new happenings in the everyday around here since the move.

Forgive me for not being in this space of late but I think im confused. scattered.
I havnt been able to put thoughts into words.
Like I said earlier, I love the doing of the dishes. Maybe its not the actual washing of them but the finality of the clean. The accomplishment? The jumping off point to then do other things? It gives me direction in the way it helps me start the day with a few uninterrupted thoughts. Who wants to talk to someone focused on scrubbing just in case they get hooked in to helping, right?

Right now I think im having trouble placing how I feel about a lot of things. I think I need direction. If I cant start the day with dishes, then what? How do I focus in on the day? How do I begin my thoughts?
Who do you ask for direction when there is so much on your plate? (eeek bad pun)
 When there is so much in your life?

Im gonna ask my mum. She is coming over monday. Then im gonna sleep over at hers so she can elaborate on tuesday at breakfast, hopefully with me manning the sink. After breakfast im planning on a visit to our daughters and im gonna talk to her too. She is the best with advice as she hits you from left of centre when you least expect it and shes very, very intuitive.

My question: How do you love a man when things are too good?

Well... lets say... im uncomfortable with all the good things happening around our home.
 I always have been on edge if things are okay.
 I have never discussed my childhood here and didnt think I ever would. One thing I can share is that it was chaotic, or as a child I thought it was. I used to escape and climb the tree in my front yard and listen, or was it shut off?, hence my love/obsession with trees. I recognise I feel safe/powerful when there
 is a tree around to climb. Give me chaos and im good to go. Make me safe and loved... I fall apart and dont know how to feel. Life is too good right now. Sorted. Busy, but sorted and even a tad still.

The youngins are off for the whole weekend so the Mr and I will be home alone
 and I think we have plans.
He has plans of finishing some artworks and furniture, perhaps around an open fire or the outside brazier if the weather holds. He knows we will reconnect and I hope to be comfortable enough to tell him how and what I am thinking about lately. I feel strong on the inside but its my outside that is crumbling.
I think he knows. I think he is on to me. He has four years of wisdom on me, and it is beginning to show.

In creative news the studio is looking clear and finished and there are so many things I need to write in here but they will wait until some chaos happens and I can think again.

be still my life
be still my life
be still my life

Post post: I came across this at Curlypops! there seems to be a minitrend?


Squiggly Rainbow said...

I can somehow relate - I know when things get calm and all feels 'slow and safe' I wonder what is happening. Hope are feeling settled soon xx Rach

Copper Patch said...

Yup, I'm always thinking it's the calm before the storm. I think it's par for the course for those of us who've had shit happen.
Kisses for you XXX

willywagtail said...

I used to feel like that when my ex took over the cooking (and it wasn't just because it would take me a good half hour or more to clean up after him either). I wasn't used to being molly coddled (and his reasons made it worse). It was so hard to sit while he peeled the potatoes so much slower than I could, etc. knowing full well that he was tired too. I hope you find a solution whilst keeping his ego up too. Hugs Cherrie

MonetPaisley said...

I can't believe I missed this... where was I?

Do you want me to tell him to stop washing the dishes???

I am also feeling confused and adrift these last few days... perhaps it is the moon, or the alignment of the planets ot some other such phenomonom...

I hope you have a wonderful, romantic weekend... and I hope you get to wash the dishes...

I am reminded of the movie "the breakup" when jennifer aniston says to Vince Vaughn " I want you to want to do the dishes"...

Tell him you love that he wants to do the dishes but alas he is no longer allowed and. It would be lovely if that solves all your problems... xxx

Kate said...

I can't really work out what you are saying lovely Wendy. I think you feel uneasy because things are good. Because you Bren adores you and does the jobs he think you could do without, he wants to help, he wants you to spend your precious time doing things that he thinks would make you happy.
Stop overthinking. Breathe deeply. Be happy. Climb a tree if you must. Bren's are pretty ace and we are very lucky girls I think.
ps. I still want that dress when you can be bothered making it. xx

DanielleQ said...

That's all ok. You know that it is goodness unsettling you, and you have lovely people. You will talk and explore. Maybe cry a little.

It's all good, sweets.


Emma Thomsen said...

I get what you're saying, when my husband washes up when I'm in the kitchen it kind of annoys me, but to be honest it has to be the 'control freak' in me. And maybe that's what's happening for you. The stillness is just happening and it's only when things are 'upset' that you can 'do' and feel in control again. Enjoy the stillness as life has a habit of creating a calm before the storm, where life's routine is turned upside down and we long for 'normal' again.

beingsimone said...

I understand how you feel, I used to feel like that also. It's a horrible feeling, a quiet feeling of dread that you can't seem to put your finger on. Our nervous systems were wired that way from our childhoods and it takes time for the body to relearn to trust and relax. I would suggest meditating first thing in the morning - taking even just five mins to be still, breathe from below your navel, perhaps even imagine yourself sitting in a tree :) Check in with your deepest self for direction for that day. It would seem doing the dishes is a form of meditation for you - a mindless repetitive task puts us in that same brain wave, so you've already been doing it, now you can just do it more deliberately. It's worth it for that feeling to finally disappear. Lots of love here for you. xx

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